Does my bump look big in this?

July 2003
And so it begins...my pregnancy announcement

DEAR ALL, I would like to confess now that my attempts to be a good girl and follow the Rosemary Conley diet have failed miserably.For the past eight weeks, all thoughts of calorie counting, low fat eating have flown out the window in favour of a new diet.

This new diet involves eating whatever takes my fancy, whenever it takes my fancy and hoping against hope that it doesn't come back up again.And, in the same spirit, I have resigned myself to the sobering fact that over the next six months I will put on a minimum of two stone and fill out beyond all natural proportions.I do have a good excuse though, as I am expecting my first baby. There, I've said it. So now those people who have been harrassing me about where all the talk of diets and weight loss went, and who have wondered how somehow I've managed to start expanding at a scary rate can finally relax and stop worrying that I've let down a league of dieters the world over.

I found out I was pregnant exactly one week after buying myself a new selection of clothes, in a smaller size. Feeling all congratulatory after losing close to a stone, I was dreaming of a summer in figure hugging jeans, fitted T-shirts and gravity defying boots.One week later I was returning the beautiful, but now hopelessly impractical items and checking out the latest offers on draw-string trousers, flat shoes and long, flowing (ie. fat hiding) tops.In fact although just at this early three month stage, with a miniscule bump that really only I know is there (I just look as if I have been eating morning, noon and night in Pizza Hut), I know that I'm not destined to be one of the trendy pregnant women with a neat wee bump, who can happily show it off over the top of her hipster jeans, or wear flimsy vest tops that accentuate the natural changes of a pregnant lady's body.No, I'm going to be one of those ladies who looks like she lives on jelly.

Just as I can feel my waist thicken, I can also feel my thighs, ankles, hips and bum thicken too.Bumps and lumpsI'm not a person who has a bump, I have bumps (plural) and lumps (a plenty).Of course when I first took a test and discovered I was pregnant I immediately decided that I would keep attending aerobics class and eating as fat free a diet as possible.But then, I did not reckon on the horrendous morning sickness and exhaustion and other nasty wee scares early pregnancy tends to throw at you.As a result I have spent the better part of the last eight weeks, lying on my sofa in a semi comatose state eating toast, Branston Pickle sandwiches, crisps and whatever else takes my fancy from day to day. Be it chips and cheese, or a butter skimmed scone, my body seems not to care that really I don't want to be one of those women who ends her pregnancy needing to take up two full seats to herself on the bus and breaking seats in cafes.

In a no win situation that few people warn about before you actually fall pregnant, you find that should you eat you feel sick, but should you starve yourself you feel even worse.Women out there the world over have a lot to answer for. I wonder why you are so eager to start spilling your guts about the horrors of labour as soon as a woman utters those immortal ""I'm pregnant"" words and yet you stay quiet about the horrors of heart burn, sickness, exhaustion, excess wind etc etc. (I would go into more details, but this a family paper!)?Official secretsI have a sneaking suspicion that you are all forced to sign an official secrets act at the moment of delivery so that you do not put other women off procreating and thus keeping the human race going!Finding out that I you are to become a mother is both an exhilerating and terrifying experience.First of all the thought that I'm sure runs through every expectant mother's head is that lovely as it is to be carrying a wee baby, there will be a day in the not too distant future when that wee baby will want to make his or her entrance into the world. Chances are that entrance will not be painless.

Secondly, its dawns on you with startling reality that life will never be the same again. Himself may want to celebrate with a bottle of fizz, I ended up celebrating with a bottle of Schloer.After work drinks have become a thing of the past. It's a small mercy that my drinking buddy is also expecting her first baby, as I doubt I would have been able to hide my disgust as she walked into the Del on a Thursday evening!Strange as it sounds, it also dawned on that now I would never get the chance to appear on 'Big Brother'. It's not that I have any ambition to be on the show, but now, as a mum, I just won't have the chance again.I doubt that I will also have the chance to ever wear those boot cut jeans again, but then time, and time alone, will tell.But it is exciting to think that there is a new life inside me. One that will see the world with new, innocent eyes. One that will have no preconceptions, no prejudices and one that will rely on me totally.It's reassuring to also realise that this wee life won't care one jot if I'm big, small or middling, as long I love it. Maybe I should learn from his or her example.